A little piece of honesty, shocking isn't it?

I noticed the other night that it was helpful to actually write a few things down that I can't say out loud easily. It's difficult to admit to what I used to have when I'm busy caring for his ghost. My dad is completely gone, which is crippling when I allow myself to stop and think about it in that manner. That's why I try to think of him as a person in need, instead of the amazing man he used to me. There is a big chunk of time that I honestly can't remember right now.. I barely even have any memories of the father everyone tells me I used to have. But, it's more of a mental block to make it a bit easier to cope. I think..

I wrote honestly to my roommate my freshman year. Having lived together for an entire year we got really close. She ended up taking a trip to Costa Rica to spread the word of God and teach english. She's awesome.. but she asked how my life was, and how dad was.. this was my wildly honest response..

My dad's disease is terminal, it's a form of dementia. And, yes geology was my goal but I was needed at home so I changed to enviro science so that I wouldn't need an internship, grad school, and an extra semester. It's not too bad though.. I don't have a clue what I want to do in the future though, except survive really. It's tough every day here, dad's alive, but he's not here anymore. His eyes are empty. His personality is completely gone. My mom's great though, crazy.. but who wouldn't be. We work well as a team around the farm and I do majority of the care of my dad.. I'm a control freak and really don't trust anyone with him... It all sounds terribe, I know, but I'm positive that in the future, when he passes I will be able to look back and KNOW i did everything I could to help the best dad I could ask for and the most amazing mother in the world. 


I went on to change the subject to as many positive things as possible.. lol because that's what I do. Make jokes& distract with other happier things that aren't about what goes on with Dad. 
I think that little bit of honesty I sent her was the best quick description of what goes on here right now, so I figured I'd share. It's not often I actually tell people what goes on.