Drifting Away From Us

Dad always wanted girls. His mom was stuck with three troublesome boys, and he always feared he'd have a son like him, who would play rough and get hurt. Luckily for him he got two (pretty awesome) girls. And gosh did he love us..

I was the luckiest little girl in the world, I had a dad who wanted nothing more than for me to succeed, never struggle, and just be happy.  

Sorry for posting the bowl cut big sis, hahah !

Over the past ten years, he has very obviously drifting away. At first it was hard to notice, especially being a young teenager and seeing him every day. But, looking back there are some big things that just scream at you, "something is wrong!"

In 2006 my mom underwent heart surgery, and while my dad was always awful in hospitals, he had to be pushed to say comforting words to my mom. Even with the extra coercion he couldn't muster up much. Never really a man for too many words, he was still always able to be strong for my mom through anything.  

That previous year I had gotten myself into a little trouble with a cop, and Dad played the part of strong and silent.. very silent. Mom lost it, of course, but she didn't have the usual help that my dad usually was. Nobody realized then this was just another clue of his disease. 

Right around the same time, I had an incident with one of my horses. I fell of my handsome Throroughbred and fractured three vertebrate in my back. Being just like my dad, I didn't tell anyone I was in pain and didn't go to the doctor for two weeks. Once I did, I went with only my mom. Dad had no part of it, not even my rehab afterwards. Or, the one thing he always loved that i did, swimming. In previous years he supported my swimming and loved that I was such a great athlete.

These were just a few examples that we can remember from 2005-2006 when there were definite signs we missed. But, when you are busy living your own life you don't always stop to realize that you are losing someone so supportive. I try to use the excuse that I was 15 and a troublesome teenager, but what about the rest of my family? Honestly, it was just so subtle that we didn't see the water receding as this tsunami came in to completely alter our lives.

Wishful Thinking

Last night, during the Golden Globes, Jodie Foster gave quite a speech. She even sent out a little note to her mother who suffers from demenetia..
    "Mom, I know you are inside those blue eyes somewhere," she said, "and that there are so many things that you won't understand tonight, but this is the only important one to take in: I love you, I love you, I love you. And I hope that if I say this three times, it will magically and perfectly enter into your soul, fill you with grace and the joy of knowing that you did good in this life, you're a great mom. Please take that with you when you're finally okay to go."
It really hit home about hoping, even though you don't see it anymore, that your loved one is in there someplace.. that maybe saying "I love you" three times will help them be able to really absorb it. Wishful thinking of course, but that's what caregivers need sometimes. 
Some days, I find myself hoping when I see my dad coming out to the smell of breakfast foods in the morning, that he'll respond one of these times I say good morning to him.

where to begin..

Life's never quite what you expect.

Ten years ago I had such great goals.. go to college, make my parents proud, meet an amazingg guy, and of course find some unbelievable dream job. I'm 23 now and well, I went to college.

How, you ask, did life get so off track? My amazing/unbelievable/supportive dad was diagnosed with a terminal disease. It's been almost four years since he was diagnosed, but this disease, Frontotemporal degeneration, has been taking him away from me slowly over the past ten years. Ten years that a young girl really needs a good dad. 

And mine, he was the best. He was calm and caring, loving and protective, understanding and fair. He was 6 foot 4 and 250 pounds of pure teddy bear.. to me and the ones he loved at least... 
There's this great story my sister, Jen, tells when she was a teenager and a boy came to see her. Dad answered the door and stood right in the doorway asking the boy what he wanted. When he responded, "Is Jen here?" dad told him yes and closed the door in his face.

Not exactly impolite, but certainly protective of his two girls. That's just how my dad always was.

Unfortunately, this disease has made him just a ghost of who he used to be. The sparkle in his eyes is now vacant, the magnetism in his smile is nothing but memory, and there is no longer a hint of his gregarious personality.

The big question of course, is why? There is some interesting info on ftd here

My dad, got the disease through several concussions when he was in high school. Having graduated in 1972,  we don't have great record of all of them, but there are three known concussions.

Anyway.. the point of all this... there is one, I promise.. is to write down a few things that now may make me want to pull out every strand of beautiful hair I've inherited from my fathers gene's, because one day I will laugh. I'm sure of it... I think. Bare with me, I'm not exactly a writer, but I've got some interesting stories to tell. 

My life is messy, but maybe one day someone will be able to read about how my family survived this difficult situation and I'll help just one person.